the power of letting go….

oh wow, where do I begin?

those of you who’ve known me for awhile, and even some of you who’ve only known me for a year or two, are aware of my insane capacity for shit to happen to me. getting fired, a few car accidents, smashed windows and windshields, being forced to pay back unemployment checks that should not have been contested, etc etc. I know a lot of it is just your standard life BULLSHIT and we all go through it, but sometimes I think I really do have a slightly higher capacity for the crap to hit me in the face. I’ve been waiting for the next punch. I’ve gotten used to it.

as a result, my state of mind has not been the best, to say the least. in fact, it’s made me even more cynical than before, more bitter, more depressed, more pissed off, more upset, forcing me to withdraw even more into this shell of mine. I certainly don’t take astrology as the end all be all, but boy do I fit my Cancer qualities to a tee! and to think I was supposed to be Leo…. I digress….(I’ve been so spacey today)

I’m not even sure if it even shows half the time. I mask it as best I can, internalizing all of it. As with most of us, I’m sure, I’ve also taken to the new year as a new beginning and working toward more positive thoughts and simply letting go.

Considering I started the new year, by finding my missing Claddagh ring. I used my slightly superstitious tendencies and saw it as a sign that 2006 might just work out to be a decent year.

Here we are 18 days into it, and so far so good. I’ve been taking charge of many things I’ve been wanting to do. Despite my injuries and ailments, and some health issues, I’m taking it in stride. I’ve worked on moving out of my current living situation to one that will help with my health related issues and will allow me to focus all my energies on restoring my health 100%. I applied for and was accepted for the apartment I wanted. I successfully found someone to take over my portion of my current lease (with my house mate’s help, since it’s her friend) and I’m getting better at ditching things I don’t need and only taking on what I can. I’m feeling well enough to take on the projects I’ve been wanting to do at work. And I really really really LOVE MY JOB! 3 years ago I wouldn’t have even thought of uttering that. three years ago I was crying myself to and from the commute to my fucking horrific retail job at Borders.

while I love absolutely LOVE my current job, the good comes with the slightly annoying things, like not getting paid on a regular schedule. It’s sort of around the 1st and the 15th of each month, but one never knows when exactly. My company is a little old school like that. As a result of not getting paid on a regular schedule, I tend to find myself crossing my fingers and hoping my checking account doesn’t get overdrawn. I get a little creative with my finances, eat cereal for a few meals a day, until the paycheck finally arrives.

When I left work this evening, I felt defeated and concerned about whether or not my checking account would hold up through tomorrow, when HOPEFULLY our paychecks will be waiting for me when I go in at 2pm. I’ve already borrowed $400 from my parents for a deposit on the apartment. At least, I had a few slices of pizza from the class graduation party we were having at work. I also just generally woke up wrong today. I woke up late, couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t want to either, was “late” for work (I use the term loosely…if you know my workplace, you’ll laugh), and went to the doctor today simply as a means of legality because I’m not sure at the moment how we’re going to continue my rehabilitation of the car accident injuries. To top it off, I’ve been working off a migraine since Sunday. for fuck’s sake I’m sooooooo damn tired of the pain, y’know?!?!?!?!?!?!

I walked into my house, which is freezing because we can’t afford to keep the heat too high, just like everyone else…. and only had two pieces of mail. I thought both were what I call “wanted” junk mail: random mailings from companies I do like to hear from now and then. As I settle into my bedroom, turn on the space heater, and start the electric blanket so it’s nice and warm all night, I lie down and open the one envelope from Bank of America. Turns out it’s a check, a legitimate CHECK for $77!!!! My Bank of America credit card is a money return card, and apparently the $77 is my money return for 2005. I suppose it sometimes pays to add to your debt.

This will help make sure I’m in the black by $15 until I can get and deposit my check. I immediately went back out to the ATM and deposited it.

It is hard for me to let go and not stress about this stuff. I’m getting better at letting go. It’s not easy, but so far in the last three weeks, it’s fuckin’ worked like a charm! I think I’m going to keep trying this out.

now I’ll need to go listen to Swivel Chairs, because there’s a song on “A Late Day for Regrets” called “Here’s to Letting Go.” I’m sure Jeremy’s thoughts when he wrote it had to do with entirely different things in his life than what I’m going through, but that’s OK, because since it’s out there for the world to hear, it can be my song too. It’s my song that I sing in my head to myself when I make myself aware that I just have to LET SOMETHING GO!!!

of course, on my drive back home from the bank….I didn’t have the swivel chairs CD in my car, but I did have Earth Wind and Fire and fuck yeah I was dancing behind the wheel…all because of being $15 ahead of the game.

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